Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
