why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
