Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
