we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
