Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
