It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
