I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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