You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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