all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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