So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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