No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize