i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
