Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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