your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize