Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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