my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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