My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
