I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
