I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
