Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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