Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
