nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
