Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
