Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
