After last night, I could never be a politician.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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