Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
