Will you blow on my dice?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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