My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
