Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
