Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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