I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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