Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
