i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
