guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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