I could make wine with my vomit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
