I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
