glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
