I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
