what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
