my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
