No stitches, just platelets and will power
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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