When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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