I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
