Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize