waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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