Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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