ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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