As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
