Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
