Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
