There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
