Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
