why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
