My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize