I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This girl is more easily done than said...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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