Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This house was built for laser tag.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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