hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
